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Dennis Miller

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Dennis Miller Tour Dates

So far there haven't been any big Dennis Miller concerts or tours announced for cities in the US. Sign up for our Concert Tracker to get told when Dennis Miller performances have been announced to the schedule. Get the latest tour announcements for Dennis Miller concerts by visiting our Tour announcements page . In the meantime, have a look at other Comedy performances coming up by Dan Cummins , Jason Cheny , and Juston McKinney .

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Dennis Miller Tickets

Dennis Miller Comedy Tickets

Dennis Miller tickets give you the chance to see this comedian and television personality up close and personal on stage. Born in Pittsburgh, PA, in 1953, Miller was unable to find a job in journalism, which he studied at Point Park University. He was inspired to pursue a career in comedy after seeing a Robin Williams special on HBO. After pushing through his initial stage fright and honing his craft, he began performing at open mics in Pittsburgh. He landed second place in a Playboy contest and his joke in their magazine after being judged by big names like Rodney Dangerfield and Buck Henry. Miller made a name for himself performing regionally, making friends with Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno along the way and had a huge break when he gained the attention of talent agents when competing in the New York Laff-Off Contest. In 1985, the comedian joined the highest comedy ranks and joined the cast of Saturday Night Live, where he remained until 1991.

SNL was just the start, as Miller went on to host his own late-night show, The Dennis Miller Show , in 1992, followed by HBO’s Dennis Miller Live,  which earned him and his writing staff 5 Emmy nominations. He stayed a familiar face in television and film, appearing for a time as a commentator on Monday Night Football and in films like Joe Dirt . Whether you know him from his stand-up, Saturday Night Live, or one of his many TV, news, or movie appearances, you won’t want to miss out on buying Dennis Miller tickets!

Dennis Miller Ticket Prices

Several variables can affect the cost of admission. Dennis Miller ticket prices can be influenced by details such as the size and popularity of the venue and seating arrangements and if a show is likely to sell out. Premium seating and VIP packages can also play a part in the ticket prices.

How much are Dennis Miller tickets?

The cost of tickets to attend a live comedy show can fall in multiple price ranges. On average, tickets to see Dennis Miller land under $130. A seat at the Santander Arena in Reading, PA, however, typically starts as low as $55. Prices are likely to fluctuate on factors like general admission versus VIP and where your seats are in proximity to the stage. For a different view of the stage at Santander Arena, there are two other sections of seating closer to the floor's action that goes for $65 to $85.

Dennis Miller Tour Dates & Concert Schedule

Dennis Miller frequently tours at venues all across the United States and is likely to appear at a venue near you. Typical performance venues include the Saroyan Theatre in Fresno, CA, CenturyLink Arena in Boise, ID and Firekeepers Casino in Battle Creek, MI. In the past, Miller has toured with other comedians like on his “The Adorable Deplorable” tour, where he shared the stage nightly with Mark Steyn. He has also performed at several festivals, including KAABOO Texas in Arlington, TX, where he headlined the comedians' lineup alongside Brad Garrett and Demetri Martin . You could also catch musical performances from artists like The Killers and Kid Rock.

When do Dennis Miller tickets go on sale?

Dennis Miller tickets are often found on sale quite a few months in advance of one of his performances. Even for shows far in the future, you’ll never need a presale code to access comedy tickets of TicketSmarter!

Dennis Miller Seating Chart

Dennis Miller is more than comfortable appearing in front of crowds, both large and small, as he appears at various venues. Miller may perform at venues such as the 850-seat Orleans Showroom in Las Vegas, NV, as well as Hanover, MD’s 4,000-seat THE HALL at Live! Casino & Hotel. THE HALL offers many seat options, with the most comfortable selection being the VIP boxes with balcony views. The venue has seating options in multiple floor sections and riser and mezzanine sections, so there are seats available for all budgets. Take a look at TicketSmarter’s interactive seating chart to find your preferred seats easily.

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Dennis Miller

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It's been said that Miller is "One of the premiere comedy talents in America today..." While others are blunt assessing Miller's comedic stature, Dennis himself makes a virtue of understatement, but there is nothing low key about his career. Miller is a five-time Emmy award winner for his critically acclaimed half-hour, live talk show Dennis Miller Live which had a nine year run on HBO. He also wrote and starred in the Emmy-nominated cable comedy special Raw Feed , his sixth such special. He was the host and executive producer of CNBC's Dennis Miller , a topical interview talk show featuring reasoned discourse, opinion and humor. Additionally, Miller has appeared on many politically oriented television talk shows. He has also been cast in films, usually in dramatic roles, most notably in 1994's Disclosure , 1995's The Net , and 1996's Murder at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue .

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To ensure that you are getting real tickets and not overpaying, ALWAYS buy your tickets through the Comedy Works website, in person (at one of our venue box offices), or by calling us directly at 303-595-3637.

Comedian Dennis Miller Seems to Have Retired, or at Least Stopped Working for Now

Updated Oct. 3 2023, 11:28 a.m. ET

• After a long and varied career, Dennis Miller has largely stepped away from the spotlight over the past year.
• Dennis hasn't explained that decision, but it seems to be based on his desire to spend more time with his family.
• Dennis was known for being a controversial conservative voice in comedy, although he drew the line on certain issues.

Over the course of his long career, Dennis Miller has worn a number of different hats. He was a commentator for major football games, a cast member on Saturday Night Live , and a radio host, to name just a few of the many careers he has had.

In the past year though, Dennis has seemed to stop doing many of the things that kept him in the public consciousness. Naturally, this led people who used to listen to or watch him regularly to wonder where he is now, and why he has stepped away from the spotlight? Has he retired? Keep reading to find out where Dennis is now.

Where is Dennis Miller now?

The short and simple answer seems to be that Dennis is enjoying his life and is living in at least semi-retirement. His Instagram posts show him traveling to places like Egypt with his wife, and doing the kinds of things you would expect a normal person who had a prosperous career to do in retirement. Plenty of people in and around Hollywood work way too long, but it seems like Dennis has managed to avoid that trap.

Dennis's most recent engagements were Dennis Miller + One , a show he hosted on RT America, a channel that's funded by the Russian government. It was an interview show in which Dennis would bring on a celebrity guest and spend the entire half hour talking to them. The show replaced Larry King Now following Larry's death in February 2021. Dennis quit the show following Russia's invasion of Ukraine in February 2022.

Dennis also hosted a radio show from 2007 to 2015, and stepped away from that when his contract ended. He has also done some other one-off engagements, including hosting a month-long series about monster movies on Turner Classic Movies, and appearing in commercials and other pieces of pop culture. In terms of interviews and hosting, though, it seems like Dennis has slowed down.

View this post on Instagram A post shared by Dennis Miller (@dennismiller)

Dennis hasn't offered any sort of definitive explanation as to why he's working less, but it seems only natural that a man approaching 70 would decide to slow down and see the world a little bit. Dennis was known in part for his conservative opinions and willingness to make controversial remarks, but more recently, he's seemed to be focused instead on his personal life.

Thankfully, though, nothing bad seems to have happened to Dennis. He's just moving into what may be a more private stage of his life where he doesn't talk into a microphone every day, and every person of retirement age can surely appreciate that decision.

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Dennis Miller Tickets

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Watch CBS News

Dennis Miller's Bolder, Fresher Tour Coming To Pittsburgh

February 27, 2014 / 4:19 PM EST / CBS Pittsburgh

PITTSBURGH (NewsRadio1020 KDKA) - Pittsburgh native Dennis Miller is making his way back home to Pittsburgh and is bringing Bill O'Reilly with him. It is just one of the stops on their Bolder, Fresher comedy tour.

Miller, a Point Park University graduate, got his comedic start in Playboy Magazine - of all places - with a joke. He went on to stardom on Saturday Night Live after a stint with our own KDKA-TV.

Reminiscing about his days in Pittsburgh and talks about his favorite place to get a slice of pizza.

"I'm looking forward to getting out and going to Danny's Parkview Pizza near the South Park drive-in. Please tell me it's still there and I can get my favorite hoagie sandwich," Miller said.

Callers responded to ease his mind and let him know Danny's is still around.

Now, Miller takes his comedy tour on the road bringing his political commentary and pop cultural references that have crowds roaring. O'Reilly and Miller are as opposite as you can get politically and socially, which makes for an entertaining night on the stage.

"He's (O'Reilly) a good man. I can't say he's not stern sometimes but he's also got a funny side, too, that I think the people will see. I come out and do like 35 minutes of comedy, he comes out and speaks about the state of the world for about 35, we take a break, we come out for about 35 at the end and field questions. And it's funny to watch O'Reilly do his impressions and stuff," Miller said.

The tour promises to be "an intense blend of political commentary and political satire" and you can be a part of it March 14, at CONSOL Energy Center.

You can hear the whole interview here:

Dennis Miller

You can also listen to the KDKA Afternoon News with Bill Rehkopf weekdays 3 p.m. to 7 p.m.

RELATED LINKS: More From NewsRadio 1020 KDKA Like NewsRadio 1020 KDKA On Facebook Follow NewsRadio 1020 KDKA On Twitter

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Dennis Miller opens up about his Fox Nation special: 'I had fun performing a little again'

Posted: January 17, 2024 | Last updated: August 12, 2024

Comedian Dennis Miller joins 'Hannity' to preview his three-part Fox Nation special 'The Infomercials That Sold Us.'

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Dennis Miller opens up about his Fox Nation special: 'I had fun performing a little again'

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What is the Komi Republic?

Russia might be going through turmoil right now, but it is still a very interesting place, with the Komi Republic being one of the most fascinating subjects of the Russian Federation.

The vast country of Russia holds many secrets. Whilst many associate Russia with Moscow and Saint Petersburg, the biggest country in the world is made up of a patchwork of republics, all with their own unique traits, history, culture and sometimes language. As the Soviet Europe team here at Young Pioneer Tours extend our reach across Russia and explore all of the 21 Russian Republics, we bring you another installment of our guide to every republic across the Russian Federation! In this blog we’ll be exploring the Komi Republic.

The name ‘Komi Republic’ is one that tends to conjure interest. Located to the west of the Ural Mountains and included in the Arctic Circle, some of the Soviet Wastelands team have passed through this little-known republic with a dark Soviet history and even its own language.

The locals in Komi region even speak their own language alongside Russian: The Komi language, which is a Uralic macro-language. So, we decided to provide an insight into the gigantic Republic of Komi that is 70% forest and 15% swamp, but that is also heavily industrialised and has huge links to Russian organized crime.

A brief history of the Komi Republic

The original Komi people date back as far as the 12th Century Novgorod Republic, and settled in the area when they came hunting for animal furs and hides. It came under the rule of various Russian kingdoms and, in the late 18th century, under the reign of Catherine the Great, it was used as a penal colony for the first time. Subsequent expeditions of the area in the 19th and early 20th Century led the Russians to discover a wealth of minerals and timber that they could harvest.

After the establishment of the USSR in 1922, the Central Committee founded the Komi-Zyrian Autonomous Oblast which subsequently became the Komi Autonomous Soviet Socialist Republic in 1936. Soviet control brought new settlers to the area that would replace the original Komi people and start the beginning of the republic’s dark future: hundreds of thousands of gulag prisoners sent to carry out forced labour in the Soviet Arctic.

Soon the untouched Taiga was ravaged by gulag industrialization. All of the Komi Republic’s major cities: Vorkuta, Ukhta, Syktyvkar, Pechora, Vorkuta, and Inta as well as roads, railways and other infrastructure were all built by gulag prisoners in gruelling conditions.

A history drenched in the blood of prisoners

One of the worst gulags in the area was Vorkuta, located 99 miles above the Arctic Circle. It was used to mine the Pechora Coal Basin and the city of Vorkuta was built as a result of the nearby camp. Not only were Russian enemies of the state held here, but a plethora of people: Poles captured during the short lived Soviet-Nazi alliance of 1939, Nazis captured during WW2 and dissidents and enemies of the state from newly acquired Soviet republics such as Latvia, Estonia and Lithuania.

A camp uprising in 1953 was ruthlessly put down by Komi Republic; soldiers opened fire and killed 53. After the collapse of the USSR, the Komi Republic enjoyed a short period of autonomy when, in the mid-1990s, the local authorities signed an autonomy-granting power-sharing agreement with the Russian government. The agreement was later torn up in 2002.

The homeland of Russian organised crime

With its modern origins born from the gulags, it should come as no surprise that the harsh, industrial republic is associated with Russian organized crime. It’s estimated that out of the 40,000 people collecting state pensions in the Vorkuta area alone, over 32,000 are former gulag inmates or ancestors thereof. It’s therefore not uncommon to see men with classic Russian Mafia tattoos in rough areas.

In 2015 Vyacheslav Gaizer, a Russian mob boss and politician, who was the head of the Komi Republic between 2010 and 2015, was arrested by Russian authorities along with 18 of his accomplices and all were charged with organizing and running a criminal gang involved in the theft of state property on a mass scale. He was sentenced to 11 years in jail.

The record label ‘Komi Krime’ takes its name from the Republic and the dark, violent and crime-based lyrics of its main rap artist Gio Pika, a native of the Komi Republic, can be heard in prison corridors throughout the post-Soviet world. Gio is seen as a Russian mafia symbol and one of his best hits was Black Dolphin , paying tribute to the maximum security prison near the Russian border with Kazakhstan – infamous as the worst prison in Russia. Here, prisoners and guards alike agree that the only escape from the Black Dolphin is by dying.

Can you visit the Komi Republic in 2024?

Despite the war in Ukraine, Russia remains open and relatively welcoming to tourists and tourism. This means a visit to the Komi Republic is relatively easy. Whether you currently wish to visit Russia over ethical reasons is though another story. .

To visit the Komi Republic and any other Russian Republic on a customized private tour, contact YPT today for a quote and let the adventure begin!

About Post Author

Joel Vostok

Joel Vostok is YPT’s Soviet Europe manager and resident military history buff. He can usually be found striking a manly pose in front of tanks or hunting Soviet relics in the former Eastern Bloc.

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so that musical…

Hello everybody… guess where I am right now? Yes, I’m home already, and Yes, that means I didn’t actually post anything for the last two weeks of my program. But don’t worry, the posts will still come. I have lots more to talk about, including:

• the musical I was in (that’s what this post is for)
• my trip to St. Petersburg
• wrapping up classes
• saying goodbye to literally everyone

…just be prepared to wait a little between posts.

So, the musical. As you may remember, I was talked into participating in a musical by my friend Ksenia, the director of USTU’s vocal studio. I say “talked into,” because I actually wasn’t as enthusiastic about saying “yes” to this project as I usually am. Because I am not an actress, and I am certainly no good substitute for Stevie Wonder.

Oh yes, that’s right, the musical was based on original translations of Stevie Wonder songs into Russian.

Rehearsals started in February, as Ksenia arranged vocals. 90% of rehearsals at this time were the background vocalists learning weird harmonies and trying to sing them tightly and together.

Then, at some point, we introduced acting to the mix. That went… interestingly.

As we drew near to the time of the show, everything got crazy. We realized just how unprepared we were, the director started to actually despair that Gerar and I would  ever act like the besotten young couple we were supposed to be, and the musical director started to wonder if she shouldn’t have spent more time teaching us to sway our hips convincingly while singing backup. But, in the end, of course, everything went off just fine…

Fine enough, in fact, that the rector (who had been unavailable for the university’s  first ever musical … something about a basketball tournament in St. Petersburg…) requested a repeat. And because he’s the rector, we complied.

I was gone in St. Petersburg for the whole week between the two performances, meaning I missed the rehearsals in between, but stress? What’s that? I was super chill about the second performance, and I enjoyed it a lot more than the first. This is partly because the temperature in the hall was about 70 degrees F as opposed to the 85 it had been during the first run (and if you’ve ever performed in a fleece Snuggie under stage lights in an 85 degree room, you know exactly how uncomfortable the first performance was).

I’ve attached here a few pictures of me from the second performance, but if you want to browse more, check this link .

We ended up getting good press, and overall, I’d say a success for the American in the far north, and an even bigger success for my costars who had actual classes/exams going on the whole time.

And, most importantly, I came out of it with a few more friends and a lot more memories.

things I wish I’d known: may

May is over, and I have set a new record for bad blogging habits! I have a lot of posts in mind, including that one I’ve been promising about the musical I’m in, so hopefully you’ll be seeing those trickle out in the days to come. However, I will warn you: I have 10 days left in Ukhta, and I don’t plan on spending any time in front of the computer that I could be spending elsewhere.

So without further ado, this month, I wish I’d known…

• that May does not exist. Everything you plan to do in May may not actually happen. You will get to the end of the month and not remember it at all.
• that there are exactly three weeks when it is pleasant to be outside, because about that long after the snow melts/mud evaporates, the mosquitoes come out. Take advantage of these three weeks.
• how dastardly bloodthirsty Russian mosquitoes are. My. Goodness. Douse yourself in bugspray before you leave the house.
• that Russian pharmacists don’t know what hydrocortisone is, so bring your own, for those places you didn’t douse in bugspray.
• that your musical isn’t over until the rector says it’s over. (i.e. you think you only have one performance, but don’t count on it — remember about Russians and planning things in advance?)
• that fill-in-the-blank questions with multiple choice on the final exam doesn’t mean your students will be any less stressed or any more successful. Therefore have only short answers and oral testing…?
• that you may not actually want to leave town in May, so plan your travel for those weird fall/winter months when you had no work and no friends and no sunlight.
• that it’s 100% possible to sleep through white nights if your curtains are decent. All curtains in Ukhta are decent. Never fear.
• that a watch is super necessary up here, because telling time by daylight literally doesn’t work at all.
• that everything ends really quickly. Do laundry in advance.

things I wish I’d known: april

This month went even faster than last month… is that possible? But I can’t deny the passage of time, because somehow all the snow is melted, and the ground is starting to warm up, and there’s  grass in some places, and  dandelions in others (never thought I’d be so happy to see dandelions), and also the sky doesn’t get all the way dark till ~11pm, and also it starts getting light again at ~1am (what is this place). Every day feels a little bit warmer, a little bit longer, a little bit closer to the end, a little bit further away from the beginning.

All that drama aside, here’s what I learned this month, that I wish I’d known earlier:

• that it  does get warm in Ukhta, and I  should  bring clothing appropriate to sunny and 60s.
• that there  are nice grassy fields in Ukhta, and I  should bring clothing appropriate to frolicking/grass-sitting.
• that reading an email is not the same thing as replying to it, no matter how it seems at the time (apologies to everyone who has been victim of this).
• how absurdly hot it is in Russian trains, especially on the top bunk in platzkart. Get the bottom bunk.
• that some schools do still carry on the hiring process into May, so not having applications finished in February is not a reason to stress out.
• that the ice here turns to mud when it melts, which then turns into sand when it dries, creating a South-Africa-like effect of dust blowing everywhere.
• that I won’t want to travel the last month of my grant, so I should get all that out of the way in the first semester, before I put down roots here.
• how seriously Russians take the idea of walking around barefoot/in socks as a potential cause of illness (even if this walking takes place exclusively indoors). This is a fact that can be used to comic effect, unless I am in fact sick, in which case they will tell me it’s  because  I walked barefoot, even though it’s probably because I was sharing hot recycled air with fifty people and zero circulation on a train for 11 hours.
• that potatoes can, in fact, go (very) bad in the space of 10 days, even in a dark cool cupboard… and this is, in fact, the source of that fish smell I keep smelling.
• that it’s really embarrassing when my friends are playing keep-it-up and I’m incapable of keeping-it-up, so I should probably take gym class more seriously (this is a “wish I’d known 15 years ago” thing, sorry if it’s not too relevant to any of you).

on the rails again

This week, Vickie and I went to Ukhta State Technical University’s “filial” (partner university? satellite campus?) in Usinsk. This is pronounced Oo-sin-sk (only two syllables, but separated for easier reading). Usinsk is… tiny. Like, we walked from the center to the edge in about 20 minutes. We drove around the entire city (all four streets) in about 30 minutes. But it’s also quite cute, and there’s a nice forest. There’s also a nice 600-student, single-building university, which is the actual reason we went: to teach! (It’s almost like that’s our job or something.)

But first, I want to talk about the  going … the train.

Last time Vickie and I took the train, you’ll remember , it was a 32-hour ride from Moscow to Ukhta, about 96 hours after entering the country. We had a nice (only mildly traumatic, and maximally sedated) experience in  kupe (4-person private cabin).

This time, we had a nice (still only mildly traumatic, although less sedated) experience in  platzkart (open, barracks-style car). We took the fast train there (10 hours) and the slow train back (12 hours).

The Good: Lots of time to sleep, no creepy guys in our immediate vicinity, no drunk people anywhere we could tell. …And, on the way back, our neighbor from the dormitory was just a few bunks down from us! The Bad: SO HOT. I can’t even describe it. Okay fine, it was only 80 degrees F, but there was literally no movement of air, and a whole lot of people… especially on the top bunk, breathing isn’t really a thing that happens. Also, we had one cabin-mate whose snore resembled the revv of a chainsaw. So the “lots of time to sleep” didn’t exactly translate into “sleep.” The Amusing: “Katie, the bathroom is so great!! It has  toilet paper. ” –Standards.

Once in the city, we got settled into our apartment-hotel. I have no pictures, sorry, but I can give you the Good, Bad, and Amusing of it…

The Good: Beds! Hot shower! Functional kitchen! The Bad: Have you ever seen  The Irony of Fate ? …yeah. The first night we spent about 30 minutes trying to find the right place, then about 15 trying to get the key to work in the door when we’d found it. Turns out we were still in the wrong building. I at that point was mildly feverish with a headache and sore throat, and Vickie also had a migraine, and we were carrying ~7kg of groceries, and basically we were a sight to be seen. The Amusing: Trying to leave a note for our roommates telling them they could help themselves to our pasta… while slightly delirious and with no good sense of Russian whatsoever.

We had classes with the university students…

The Good: My class on Wednesday had only eight students, so we could play games, and they could all have a chance to talk! The Bad: Only two of the eight  wanted to talk. Too bad for the others, because I didn’t take a 10-hour ride in a fiery furnace just to watch people stare silently at me for two hours. The Amusing:  At the English Club meeting on Tuesday, Vickie and I started (as usual) in English. This was met with much and vocal protest, and pleas to answer their questions in Russian. We, receiving affirmation from the authorities there, did so. We heard later that the students had complained that they “expected us to speak English with them, but we only spoke Russian the whole time!” Okay.

We also got to see some of the  dostoprimechatel’nosti  (tourist sights) of the town.

The Good: Nice weather,  flowers , an interesting tour guide (hi Olga!) The Bad: I was sick the whole time and carrying an enormous backpack for part of it, so I was kind of grumpy. The Amusing: Can we just talk about the mosquito monument?

Among the other  dostoprimechatel’nosti , we got to see the forest in Usinsk. The idea was, I think, to take a nice, brisk walk… which turned into more of a run/quick tramp for us. But we lived. And the forest is beautiful.

The Good: Beautiful nature, beautiful dog. The Bad: Vickie falling into the snow, my feet freezing. The Amusing: Yeah, that hole in the ice? Olga literally went swimming in it, then we walked for another 45 minutes.

All in all, good trip. But now I need to go take some NyQuil and catch up on sleep. (…And consider packing ice and an oxygen tank next time I take a Russian train.)

russian food, part three

This post isn’t actually about Russian food. It is, rather, about the food Katie eats in Russia.

Anticipatory apology to my parents/anyone who feels invested in my wellbeing. You may want to skip this post.

My day begins with breakfast, a maximum of 6 minutes after I roll out of bed in the morning. Yes, my metabolism is overactive.

Breakfast consists of a combination of cornflakes/granola and yogurt/milk. The four options afforded by this graph are way too overwhelming, so I usually have only one product of each category in my room at a time. Right now, though, I have cornflakes AND granola. This means I actually have to think in the mornings.

If my milk-product-of-the-week has gone bad unexpectedly (which happens, since the yogurt I buy has a 5-day lifespan, and the milk is only drinkable for 3 days before it becomes… well… edible), I eat bread with cheese or an apple instead.

At some point between breakfast and lunch, I eat an apple, a mandarin, or salted peanuts.

For lunch, I sometimes eat at the school cafeteria, but more often I eat open-faced sandwiches and veggies. Some examples from the past week:

I don’t require a lot of variety in my diet, but what I do comes in the choice of bread (brown or white?) and vegetable (pepper or tomato? or fruit?? wow). I can also choose my cheese/meat, but I tend to only buy one package of meat and one of cheese at a time, for minimum food waste.

Then, between lunch and dinner, I eat another apple or a pirozhok, usually while walking from one class to another. When it’s cold out, this results in blue hands, but it’s worth it for a full stomach.

For dinner, it often happens that I am fed by well-meaning Russian friends (“Do you eat, ever? Here, have this 5-egg omelet”). This is awesome, even if sometimes it results in overstuffing. These meals do not always include the quantity of vegetable matter I myself would choose, but they fill me up and make me feel like a real human. For all the other days, there’s “rabbit food.” This is a dish that consists of lentils, barley, onion, and garlic, which I make every so often and can last me up to one week in the fridge, or two in the freezer. For fun, I add cut-up veggies, cheese, spices, and/or olive oil.

My rabbit food elicits various reactions that all carry the same tone of judgment… “That can’t taste good.” “Is that your dinner?” “Are you on a diet??” The answers: “Good enough.” “Yes, it is.” “ No, I’m not .” The reasoning behind this dish is simple. I eat in order to not be hungry, and to give my body the nutrients it needs. This meal fills me up, and it covers most of the major food groups (protein, carb, dairy, veggie, fat). Plus I only have to prepare it once a week. AND it travels nicely. Win-win-win-win. Highly recommend.

Then, before bed, I usually end up eating bread with butter, olive oil, or peanut butter, or a few slices of cheese.

So this is my average pattern. However, sometimes I feel inspired (read: have guests) and make actual food (this happens about once every 7-10 days). “Actual food” still usually comes in the form of a single dish, because I can’t quite get my head around planning separate parts to a meal. This could mean fried rice, potatoes with some onion-apple-pork stirfry splotched on top, or any of the following…

I AM a real person! I CAN cook! Sort of.

What I have been doing a lot of recently is baking. Russians love American baked goods… I mean, how would you feel if you encountered brownies for the first time at 56? Or even 23? I’ve gained myself a reputation as a baker, which is hilarious, since I hate making things precisely by recipes (as may be inferred by my choices of savory cooking pictured above). Anyone, especially my sister, could tell you that I have no special gift for pastry. Actually, that’s not entirely true: my special gift is that I am an accomplished googler with an advanced command of the English language. In Russia, that makes all the difference. Here, enjoy pictures…

Not pictured but also popular: pumpkin pie (x4), apple pie (x2), pumpkin chocolate chip bread, brownies (x3 with Snickers, x3 without), chocolate chip cookies (x2), snickerdoodles, honey-egg bread. I need to start remembering to photograph these things.

The takeaway: Mom, I’m getting through just fine, but I’m already excited about the cheeseburger and salad we’re going to have when I get home. T-58 days.

russian food, part two

I love talking about food, therefore we’re going to continue this series a while longer.

This time, I want to talk about Russian food culture. I don’t mean “cultural foods”… I mean the culture  around  foods. Let me begin by describing two typical family meals, one with my family in America, one with my tutor’s family here in Ukhta.

The first scene opens with Mom in the kitchen laying pieces of meat on some sort of plate, Katie putting silverware and napkins on the table, Kristen grabbing the salad dressing (not mayonnaise), and Dad walking to the table from his office. In a minute, the middle of the table is occupied by a large glass bowl of salad (60% romaine lettuce, 10% tomatoes, 10% raw mushrooms, 10% cucumbers, 10% fresh-grated cheddar, 0% mayonnaise ), a platter of italian-marinated grilled chicken breasts, and a basket of bread. Each plate has already been served a helping of rice, because a rice pot on the table is just uncomfortable. Each plate also has standing above it a glass full of cran-apple juice (Dad and Katie) or water (Mom and Kristen). We all sit down together, pray, and begin passing the food around. We discuss our day, the things we did, the people we saw. We eat, really slowly, pausing also to drink at various points in time. When we’ve finished, one of the servants (i.e. Kristen or Katie) takes the dishes to the sink, where they will be washed later. If Dad takes the dishes to the sink, he probably washes them right away. In an hour or two, people begin trickling back to the kitchen to dish themselves a bowl of ice cream, which might be eaten upstairs while working on the computer, downstairs while watching TV, or in the kitchen while staring at a wall. The lights dim, the curtain falls.

The second scene opens with Katie entering a Russian apartment for the fiftieth time this calendar year, taking off her boots, greeting the cat, and beginning to regret wearing a sweater (because it’s 90 degrees in this apartment). Natasha, her tutor, is maybe finishing something in the kitchen, while Natasha’s mom is sitting at the computer playing Solitaire or Mahjong. Katie goes to the kitchen and asks if she can help, at which point she is given a bowl and told to give herself as much soup as she wants. Katie ladles some soup into the bowl and goes to the living room, where a little table has been set with paper-towel-placemats and silverware, along with a bowl of salad (60% cabbage, 10% bell pepper, 10% onion, 10% cucumber, 10% tomatoes, 0% mayonnaise, because they know Katie by now). Natasha comes soon, bringing her own soup. She offers Katie mayonnaise or (because she loves Katie) sour cream for the soup. She asks her mom if she wants anything, to which her mom says (for the fiftieth time this calendar year), “No I don’t want to, I just ate.” Natasha and Katie eat soup, during which time they talk and Natasha’s mom chides her for talking and not letting Katie eat. Then Natasha disappears into the kitchen and reappears with two plates of mashed potatoes and cutlets . After these have been eaten, Natasha takes the plates to the kitchen and reappears with cups, two kettles, and a tiny teapot. The tiny teapot is full of zavarka , which basically translates to “incredibly strong tea.” The kettles have, respectively,  kipiatok (boiled water) and  kholodnyy kipiatok (cold boiled water), for the watering down of the zavarka . Tea is consumed with chocolate, store-bought cupcakes that sometimes taste heavenly and other times taste like cardboard, or buttered bread with cheese . After tea, the cups and teapot are left on the table, because in an hour or two we’ll probably have second tea. Exit Stage Left. etc.

So, you’ll notice one thing right away: Russian mealtimes are very structured. One does not eat the hot food (usually called the  vtoroe , or “second”) before the soup, or tea before the  vtoroe . Meanwhile in America, all of the food is on the table at the same time, and you eat as you like. Maybe you want to finish your salad before you start your chicken. Maybe you want to eat one bite of each thing in a circle around your plate. Up to you.

The last difference I’ll note in mealtimes is the expectation here that you would not eat and talk at the same time. That’s probably very mannerly, in fact, now that I think about it. Guess Americans are rude after all.

Another difference in food culture here is that you  do not eat while you walk, unless it’s ice cream. That’s literally the only time it’s okay. For a perpetual eat-and-walk-er, this poses a problem. Not because I’m going to stop my strolls through the park with big crispy apple in hand, but I sometimes get embarrassed feel like I have to hide the apple behind my back when someone approaches me from the front. It’s part of a more leisurely culture, I think, where taking a 3pm tea break is not only normal, it’s expected, and it will probably be extravagant by American Starbucks-to-go standards. Yes, eating on the go can be a purely voluntary activity, especially when the weather is nice and you want to stand outside in the sun, but you don’t smoke, so you need something else to do. But many times I’ve eaten on the go, it’s been because I’m running from one class to another and have barely enough time to get there, let alone eat lunch. Or because I have roughly the metabolism of a butterfly.

The last difference I’ll note is in the conception of portions/types of food necessary to health. Here, I’d say 40% of your diet is easily potatoes. The other 60% is divided between bread + dairy + eggs + fruits + vegetables + meat. Beans and nuts don’t make much of an appearance, and honestly neither do many vegetables. Maybe I’m too much of a southerner to understand how potatoes with cabbage and onion constitute a veggie dish, but… I need crunchy things with bright colors! This is why I carry an apple with me everywhere, to the confusion of my friends. I think the American diet easily comprises a lot more raw vegetable matter, and a lot less starch/dairy than the Russian diet. And yet, somehow, Russians go to America and gain weight, and Americans go to Russia and lose weight. This doesn’t make any sense until you realize that humans are actually phototrophs. This is not a well-known scientific fact, but I’m working on some research right now.

Coming soon: what Katie actually eats!